I am neither here nor there, but I am somewhere and I will make myself known. You cannot quiet me.
You have one day to mourn. Another half of a day to pack your belongings. You are allowed no more than a handful of tears and a few breaths to be spent on sobs that wrack your slender frame. You must drape yourself in garments of black and say that you miss them, that they had a full life ahead of them, that no one ever expected this. You must lie. You must bury a piece of yourself with them, take a flower that you will only throw away as soon as you cross the threshold to your home, pretend you are not vacant. You are allowed a singular scream that is painted crimson with your anger. You are allowed one night of sleeplessness though many more should follow. You must accept all the “I’m sorry“‘s gracefully, and look appreciative when others tell you how much a life meant. You must not be bitter. You are allowed this, you must do this. For it is the way you will survive when they have not.
lettucehead asked: Wonderful writing.
Thank you so much it really means a lot to me. Thank you for reading.
I remember that moment. It might be slightly fuzzy and frayed at the edges like the picture you keep in your night stand drawer of the girl you used to love, but dammit I remember. I nervously fumbled with my words and my hands acted as if they could speak for me while you leaned against the counter. I did not expect to sink into you, the opposite in fact, and you did not expect the subtle intensity i poured into the little things. Maybe it scared you as you said you did not know if you could do this thing called a relationship. Distance doesn’t make things easy it makes them ache, you explained. Well, I ached. I tried to not let my face fall- anything so you couldn’t see the distance between us in the same room and how it’d be worse states away. You packed your things, gave me a hug, and hoped we could try. I just stood there as miles between us expanded at an alarming rate.
I am not good at missing people and I am not good at letting others in. I am not good at drawing the same way I am not good at saying “I love you”. I can do it if I need to, it just takes effort. It just takes time- that’s all. I am not good at keeping the whole bed warm when you’re away, but when you’re here I’ll take all the blankets and shove you to one side. Sometimes I think you prefer that- being close without having to get close.
I am so ashamed yet so proud and so whole. I am finally becoming more open to the world but at the same time I am scared of this newfound revelation.
Anonymous asked: I don't have tumblr, but I still check on your site regularly, because I love your writing. It really touches me. Please never stop writing.
This.. Just.. Wow.. Thank you so much. The fact that you don’t have a tumblr and seek out my writing means a great deal. I’m glad it touches you- that’s why I love writing. So, don’t worry, I’m not going to stop.
Good intentions behind all of the wrong reasons have left us stranded. You there, and me screaming “I am here”. It seems as if we will never be close again, for oceans separate us now. I tried swimming back and I tried staying afloat and I tried to tell myself that you were just being kind when you said “No matter what happens now we’ll be ok.” I saw monsters, you saw angels. I sought a way in while you were feverishly touching my skin and seeking a way out.
lomari asked: holy FUCK I think it was destiny I just ran across your blog, I was looking for a new url and I happen to ADORE Right Away Great Captain, and pretty much all things Andy Hull, which judging by your title and url you do too! Ironically, I'm 19 and from Iowa, and I think I can agree that my mind is also much too big for my body, but unfortunately I wasn't blessed with your amazing writing skills! I know this is weird and random but I got excited, apologies. Hi! How are you?(: I'm Sierra!
No, no trust me, this is awesome! It’s nice to meet you Sierra! ‘Tis serendipity, yes?
It’s not the way you see it and it’s not the way you feel it. Your heart has lied to you and your body has betrayed you.